Rejection and Recovery

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Rejection is at the core of our insecurities. Sometime, somewhere someone—whether directly or indirectly—made us to believe we were not ‘good enough’. This “someone” could have been any figure in our life, whether that be a: parent, friend, crush, or a stranger. Now, depending on many factors (see this), how our emotional structure developed at a young age plays a huge role on whether you get burned by rejection, or make it through unscathed today. Genetics also play a huge role on how a persons response to emotional distress is processed, see here, and here. In this piece I will be putting emphasis on rejection from romantic interests and how to recover, rebuild and rediscover your worth after a heartbreak.

The following information should be used as guidance and with realistic expectations. Having said that, the more practically these tips and suggestions are applied, the greater the chances are of success. Feel free to share any takeaways from this article or any personal stories of triumph in the comments below!

I will start with the beginnings of a relationship from a mere crush—to the end of an official union of love. With little to no insight I have of marriages, I have decided to leave that advice to the professionals.

  1. The crush – The one you may stalk on Instagram, Facebook, at work, in school, or through any venue that provides access. Also, the person who doesn’t seem to notice you exist and if they do, it is clear your affections are not reciprocated. Wanting someone who appears to not want you is crushing (no pun intended) but that is not the be all end all. Whether someone like-likes you, or not, has a bit to do with you and a lot more to do with them. There are factors that are out of our control, like: someone’s sexual preference (or lack thereof), preferred physical features, or that person’s current relationship status. So when I give the following advice, remember, do not assume I am suggesting you change who you are to be with someone else, or that this special ‘someone’ is even an option; consider all variables and be accountable of whom you pursue. Moving forward, below you will find some tips and tricks on how to get noticed—for the right reasons—and possibly entice requited love from said ‘crush’.
    • First, and most essential, CONFIDENCE. You can’t fake confidence, so says biology at least. Humans have a natural 6th sense that allows them to pick up ‘vibes’ from people. Confidence has so little to do with what you do, what you say, or what you look like and EVERYTHING to do with how you genuinely feel. Case in point, have you ever been around someone whom took care of their appearance, said all of the right things and even expressed confidence however, you couldn’t help but feel exhausted by their needy and off putting energy? This is a prime example of a faker. The good news is confidence is all in your hands, the bad new is confidence is all in your hands. You can will it to death but confidence does not come by pure desire; confidence is loving every part of who you are and not just saying it. Confidence tips:
      • Write a long list of all physical attributes; then next to, or underneath, write a long list of all personal qualities you have. This list is pertinent to self-love and will be one of your best tools to refer to when you feel insecure.
      • Don’t like something about your appearance? Change it up. There is no shame in doing something for your physical appearance that makes YOU feel confident.
      • Workout your body – physical workout releases important chemicals and hormones in your body that generate feelings of well being and happiness. HAPPY PEOPLE ARE CONFIDENT PEOPLE.
      • Manifest confidence – while meditating picture yourself as the most confident person in the world; amplify the feeling you get as the thought of being confident consumes you, memorize that feeling. Manifest a happy and confident you. Do not wish to be confident; be confident.
    • Get noticed – There is no use in pining over someone whom doesn’t know you exist—or, at the very least, doesn’t bother to give you the time of day. There is a very thin line between ‘getting’ noticed and ‘trying’ to get noticed. Allow me to elaborate; human intuition is quite the mystery when it comes to picking up on another person’s ‘vibe’ and good bad or indifferent, human intuition allows others to know when someone is ‘trying too hard’. Tips for getting noticed sans giving out insecure vibes.
      • Know your worth when you walk into a room—and I don’t mean just say to yourself “I’m awesome, blah, blah, blah.” Read your list of qualities and repeat them to yourself everywhere you go so that you radiate confidence.
      • Enhance your great features; there is no shame in aesthetic appreciation.
      • Take your needy energy and throw it in the garbage. Replace the neediness with desirability, (if you do not desire yourself, why would anyone else?)
      • Some of the biggest statements are made without speaking a single word—do not use words to compensate actions; use thoughts and actions to prove you are the who you want to be.
    • Learn to let go – There are two ways to take rejection; one way is to interpret the lack of reciprocation due to perceived ‘flaws’ and the other, more logical way, is due to factors not in your control. Sometimes there are elements to a person’s preference that are neither apparent, nor negotiable—such as: gender, age, height, etc. The important point to remember is rejection has much more to do with them and less to do with you. However the case, take rejection in stride and with confidence… you have a greater chance of winning over their affections with poise vs sensitivity.
  2. Ghosted fling – There are few occasions on earth that are bigger shots to the ego than being ‘ghosted’ by a romantic interest. In the realm of relationships being ‘ghosted’ simply means when someone appears to have disappeared from all contact platforms. Ghosting typically happens suddenly and ‘closure’ is not an option. The number of reasons for being ghosted are endless; the only common denominator in a ghosting situation is the feeling of rejection. Little time does the wounded heart give the mind to rationalize all possible motivations for this departure, instead, the heart defaults to criticism and scrutiny of oneself. There is little one should do to find out why they were ghosted and creating ‘reasons’ based off pure conjecture is a waste of mental energy. Alternatively, one should do the following:
    • Imagine making someone regret ghosting you… be that person by moving on quickly and continuing to invest in yourself.
      • Get rid of needy energy
      • Manifest confidence
      • Join a gym—or put more energy into working out.
      • If you let yourself go—get a makeover.
    • Delete – Remove that person’s contact information from your phone—but allowing them to see you on social media is not a bad idea (in small doses).
      • Do not overdo your social media activity, it is very apparent when you post things to get someone’s attention—and not the attention you crave.
    • Say “bye bye” – Do not allow someone who “ghosted” you back into your life without good reason. Like I said previously, there are rare extenuating circumstances—but this outcome is an anomaly. Unless this person proves to be good to their word, ignore them and move on with someone better.

 

3. The breakup Science supports the hypothesis that getting dumped by a partner can lead to depression and emotional withdrawal. Love causes certain chemicals and hormones within the brain to fire off, whether that be during moments of reminiscing, when a person hears their ‘someone’s’ name, or when that someone walks into a room. However, when that someone is gone the brain goes into ‘love withdrawal’ and ceases to produce these chemicals and hormones. Further insult to injury, a natural reaction is to scrutinize every moment and every reason “why” you were dumped. Important stipulation for this advice—there may be extenuating circumstances that must be accounted for when processing a ‘break-up’. I will be focusing my advice on what to do when you feel rejected and how to get your ‘sexy’ back.

  • It is pertinent to be cognizant of the difference between what ‘is’ and what the mind fears to be real. Do not over-analyze the relationship.
  • GET OFF SOCIAL MEDIA – During a breakup it might feel nearly impossible to not dig for information; avoid at all costs as the heart will be more sensitive to negative information.
    • Do not air personal information regarding the end of a relationship on social media; the spectators crave the drama and it also makes a person appear weak.
    • Do not post a million selfies. The desperation for attention is easily picked up on by everyone but you. Instead, post a picture of yourself TAKEN BY SOMEONE ELSE and limit these self-indulgent photos to one a week.
    • If you can manage using social media—without stalking—use it to your advantage and post about doing fun and exciting things.
    • If stalking is too tempting, get off all social media and join reality, you might actually enjoy yourself.
  • Boring – All too often people become complacent in relationships; being comfortable with a partner overtime is natural. There is nothing wrong with being comfortable, however, if boredom is the reason for the demise of a relationship then the remedy is excitement.
    • Get in touch with your passions once again. Whether it be sexually, creatively, aesthetically, culinary, etc.
    • Go travel with family or friends.
    • Write a ‘bucket list’ and work towards each goal.
    • Take care of your image; there is no shame in loving your face and body. How we present ourselves is our interpretation of how we feel. Be healthy, be active and treat your temple with care.
  • Heal yourself – Remember to take time to heal and do not compare your progress to anyone else’s. Every relationship is different and the amount of time invested into a union does not measure the time in which your heart takes to mend. After a breakup the ego is sore, the heart is broken and the mind is confused; be kind to yourself and aid your soul into recovery.
    • Read ‘self-help’ books—read in private if you are too cool to be seen with it.
    • Avoid negative thinking patterns; if bad thoughts come to mind redirect to anything good. With practice your mind will be inclined to look for positive things and overlook the negative.
    • Drugs and alcohol do not numb the pain, they prolong it for when you are sober and hungover. The last thing you need is to be dehydrated, tired, angsty and heartbroken.

After rejection the ego is in overdrive to rectify the wrong; in this time we notice our flaws and dismiss our attributes. Never judge your worth based on the perception of someone else—not everyone is equipped to see another’s worth.

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